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June 3, 2001

SchnellNet "DUH (Digital User Help)" Certification

Want a fast-paced IT career, but can't handle one of those tough certification classes that require you to, like, read books and figure out lots of boring computer crap that doesn't involve playing "Solitaire" or "Minesweeper?" Have no fear!

Advanced Certification for People Who Shouldn't Be Certified to Use Scissors

The exclusive SchnellNet D.U.H. certification will instantly give you the kind of qualifications that will make employers take a second look at you! In fact, they'll probably be so impressed that they'll take your resume and hang it up on an office bulletin board and circle in big red letters the part that says "DUH Certification" so everyone can see it and be impressed! Plus it's almost guaranteed to get you a job in the UUnet NOC!

How it Works

First, you send us lots of money. Then, you take the following test (answers are already provided!), write down your answers in crayon, and mail it to:

DUH Certification
P.O. Box 1313
Goochland, VA 90210

Your official certification certificate will arrive Real Soon Now! So hurry, take the test! Do it now! NOW!

The D.U.H. Certification Test

Q: How do you "boot" your computer?
A: Kick it real hard. If this doesn't work, repeat. If, after several attempts, this still doesn't work, your computer is broken.

Q: What are MB and GB?
A: Tiny little elves that make your computer run. The big elves are called "MB," and the tiny elves are called "GB," so you definitely want more big elves than small elves. The more elves you have, the better your computer is. For example, your computer "should have at least 32 MBs and, like, 6 or 8 GBs." This is so there are enough elves that they can take turns and not get tired.

Q: What are Unix, Linux, MacOS, and BeOS?
A: Bad things that make your computer incompatible with Windows 95 or 98. Remember that if your computer does not run Windows 95, you may be susceptible to a "DOS attack," meaning that your computer doesn't have a DOS prompt. This is very bad.

Q: What is a "hacker?"
A: A hAx0r is a k3wl d00d, has l33t sKillZ with a r00t k1t and 0wNz y00. You too can be a hacker if you a.) read the "Buqtraq" mailing list but have no idea what any of it is about, b.) show your "mad skillz" by eventually figuring out how to download SNES ROMs, and c.) have the requisite number of pimples.

Q: How do you add more RAM to a computer?
A: First, go to your local computer store and tell them that you want "more MBs." When they ask you how much, just tell them "a lot," but show them that you are computer-savvy and won't be ripped off by insisting that you get a number of MBs that isn't divisible by two. When they eventually give up and give you a "RAM chip," go home and put it into the slot where floppy disks go. If it doesn't fit, you just need to push it in real hard. If your computer doesn't work after this, go back to the computer store and tell them that they sold you bad MBs.

Q: Your ISP says you should use "FTP" to publish your web site. Should you do this?
A: No. They are kidding you, since "FTP" only delivers flowers. Instead, you should outsmart them and use Microsoft FrontPage, which does not use "FTP" or any other "standard" known to "anyone" except "Microsoft." Join the hive mind! Conform! Conform!

Q: Where is the CD-ROM located on your computer?
A: It doesn't have one. They removed it to install a coffee holder.

Q: How do you log onto the web and surf your e-mail?
A: Double-click the AOL icon, then call tech support. They may suggest that you do things like buy a "modem" or "get a phone cord" but this is not true and you should angrily tell them that you want them to send you an upgraded CD which has those things built in. Then wait.

Q: Your ISP says you should use "SSH" to connect to your server. Should you?
A: No. "SSH!" makes your computer very quiet and turns off your sound card, so you should call your ISP and insist that they use a louder protocol that supports your sound card.

Q: When software programmers use the term "user," what do they mean?
A: This is a code word for "Waste of the Human Genome" or "Fat Sack of S**t.

Q: How can you be just like a real techie who works at an ISP?
A: Frequently use the word "irrelevant," but never spell it correctly. Try "irrelivant," "irelivent," and "irrevelant" to start with, but be sure to develop your own sub-literate variations for extra coolness!

Q: Which is better, a Compaq, a Dell, or a Gateway?
A: Don't be tricked into joining these irrelivant technical arguments. A Compaq is something girls use to put on make-up; a Dell is something farmers live in; and a Gateway is like marijuana, which makes you try heroin. Insist that the best computers are judged by how many MBs and GBs it has, and whether they are friendly elves or angry elves (which cause computers to crash).

Q: How do you install a PCI card?
A: "PCI" stands for "Push it into the floppy drive slot CI." Jam it really hard if it doesn't work the first time.

Q: Why aren't your "Floppy Disks" floppy?
A: This is because you have let them get too cold and brittle. Put them in the microwave for 6-8 minutes, and they should be suitably soft. This method also works with RAM chips and PCI cards.

Q: On a Macintosh computer, how do you a.) start a program, b.) open a directory, and c.) shut down the computer?
A: On a Macintosh, there is no "Start" button, so there is no way to do any of these things.

Q: Are there any books you should read to figure out how your computer works?
A: Your computer manufacturer may include a thin book called a "Manual," but you should NEVER read this, as it will void your warranty. Most computer books for real techies are disguised in code, and are written under the pseudonym of "H.P. Lovecraft." Follow these instructions completely, except substitute "Cthulu" for "your hard drive" and "the Necronomicon of the Mad Arab Abdul Al-Hazred" for "the 'Start' button."

Q: Should you "back up" my computer?
A: NO! When you "back up" your computer, it erases all of the good data off of it! You should keep your important data and documents only in one place, or - even better - save them all to unlabeled floppy disks. For safe keeping, you should store these around powerful magnets which will keep them safe from viruses.

Q: How do you add a Zip drive to your computer?
A: Some Zip drives are sold without the required Zipper. If you buy a Zip drive and it does not have one, complain to the manufacturer. If they refuse to provide you with one, you can add one yourself by taking off your pants, and ripping the zipper off and gluing it to the front of the drive. Once you have done this, it should work fine, without you even needing to plug it in. If the manufacturer's tech support representatives tell you otherwise, tell them that you aren't wearing any pants now. Ask to speak to their supervisors until you have escalated to their company CEO. Wait for a call.

Q: What is a "driver"?
A: Drivers are necessary for your computer, but they need to be "designated" in order to work. For each peripheral which is attached to your computer, drink 8-10 shots of "Old Crow" bourbon, then call up the manufacturer and demand that they supply you with a "designated driver." Don't stop until they do.

Q: What does a software EULA (End User License Agreement) mean?
A: Most people don't read this agreement thoroughly enough to realize that it requires you to upload a copy of your software to an Internet "warez" site, including your serial number and home address. If you don't do this, you will violate the agreement, and the software company's lawyers will own your house. If you follow these instructions, however, the software company's lawyers will own your house.

Q: If someone wants to become a computer programmer, but lacks basic literacy skills, can they still do it?
A: Yes. Buy a copy of Microsoft Visual Basic. It has been shown in laboratory studies that the average chimpanzee can, with Visual Basic, create a new program which exploits some security hole in Microsoft Outlook within 10-15 minutes of random clicking on pictures. Your results may vary, depending on whether you have learned to use your opposable thumbs.

Q: How do you check your computer for viruses?
A: Purchase a stethoscope and attach it to your computer. Open a program, then listen for a "whirring" sound. If you hear this, your computer is "coughing" due to a virus. Move this program to the Recycle Bin and empty it. Also do this anytime you save a document and it makes this sound. Repeat this process until the only time your computer makes these sounds is when it starts up. Then use the "Start" button to get a MS-DOS prompt, and type "deltree *.*." This should fix the problem.

Q: When should you upgrade your software?
A: Many software companies will try to trick you into using plain old software by announcing something as a "release." Instead, try to find software which is listed as "beta," which is even better (the smaller the number, the more "correct" the software is). Best of all is software which is called "alpha." Upgrade to this immediately, and do not back up your old software, since the old version sucks.

Q: If your computer has a problem, how do you fix it?
A: Hit it with a large stick. This will show your computer who is the boss. Once you have plenty of dents in it, ship it back to the manufacturer and complain to them about how many defects it had and how you had to "school it" by "tanning its hide, just like you do to your kids." Eventually, people will show up from a software company called "Child Protective Services" and mistakenly try to fix your kids. Beat them with a stick as necessary and insist that they fix your computer.