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JabbaScript™ August 12, 1997

A proposed standard to the W3C

Competing standards for Internet-ready dynamic languages are perpetually confusing Internet users, programmers and other people who are not Internet users or programmers, or whatever. And that's a darn shame.

What the Internet needs at this critical juncture is a language that draws on common grounds. A language that can unite programmer and user, client and server, young and old, church and state, night and day, ham and cheese, B.J. and the Bear, AOL user and intelligent multicellular life form.

But what is this deep, common ground that all computer users worldwide share? Simple:

An encyclopedic, almost frightening knowledge of the Star Wars Trilogy.

That's right, and that's why we in the research labs at SCHNELL.NET have labored to create JabbaScript, a truly portable, cross-platform language that can be picked up by anyone in a matter of minutes.

For example, a simple applet which "lights" buttons as a user looks over them:

else get "ban_shi_koba,_Jedi!";

True to its origins, JabbaScript has unique features, like:

  • All applets bloat corpulently out to 6 MB.

  • Some portions of code will eat live rats.

  • Function calls can be understood by the special Netscape C-3P0 plug-in, but by nobody else in the room.

  • All applets have subtitles.

  • Processes assigned to the "sarlacc_pit" memory address take place over 1,000 years.

  • All JabbaScript applets are immune to the infamous "Jedi Mind Trick" security hole.

  • Crashed applets replace the "general protection fault" message with a dialog box saying "There has been a great disturbance in the Force."