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SchnellNet DSL Access

DSL (Digital Subscriber Line) is the hippest new thing to happen to the Internet since The Spot. SchnellNet is proud to announce our own DSL service to customers for only three dollars a month. DSL offers you download speeds of up to 400 terabytes per second* and upload speeds of a billion jillion times regular modem access**.

Why is it so cheap? Well, it's none of your damn business. Stop asking questions and sign up today!


  • Not available in all areas. Will be available in your area around about when frozen pigs fly out of monkey's asses in Hell.
  • Extra $1 charge per TCP ACK packet
  • Extra $3 per month charge for DNS
  • Extra $8 per month charge for our DNS not being intentionally f***ed up
  • Extra $10 per month charge for us not plugging your line into the coffee maker instead of a router
  • Extra $18 per month charge if you send TCP packets over the line
  • Extra $21 per month charge if your operating system doesn't support IPv7
  • Extra $29 per month charge if giant blue doggies from the Candy Planet don't eat your circuit
  • Extra $42 per month charge for us not running our DSL frame cloud into a 2400 baud connection to GEnie
  • Extra $56 per month charge for ... you know, whatever.
  • Extra $63 per month charge for access to anything besides Gopher.
  • Extra $70 per month charge if your line is actually provisioned and installed before 2009
  • Extra $156 per month charge for insurance expenses incurred every time one of our employees goes on a suicide mission to the local telco to get your line actually installed because your telco is a bunch of fat-assed losers who sit around watching 'Montel' all day and wouldn't know a FOC date if it came up and bit them on the ass
  • Extra $237 charge per month because we can't believe how useless Deion Sanders has been this season for the Redskins.
  • Extra $479 per month charge just because we hate people and we don't like you

* Results may vary. Your results will probably suck ass.

** Figure based on a modem sending morse code via UPS six-day ground delivery.